Return of the B-Movie Queens!

The 80's had so many memorable Hollywood leading ladies, but there was also a whole host of B-Movie Queens, here are some of my favourite stars in some fun scenes:

Linda Blair in Savage Streets - Linda takes revenge on a gang of vicious punks after they rape her handicapped sister one day after school...



Sybil Danning in The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf - This is the genuine ending to this crazy ass movie! The movie theme is performed by Steve Parsons with footage of good old Sybil ripping her top off over and over again with reactions from other cast members taken from scenes in the movie, poor Christopher Lee! Pure trash!



Sandahl Bergman in Hell Comes to Frogtown - Sandahl has been captured by King Toty and she is forced to perform the Dance of the Three Snakes, hotness!



Pia Zadora in Butterfly - Pia won a Golden Globe for this, she plays a young girl who lives out in the Nevada Desert, when her estranged father comes to visit their relationship takes a forbidden turn...



Brigitte Nielsen in Red Sonja - Brigitte plays the feisty Sonja in this bad movie classic, in this clip she fights to the death with evil Queen Gedren (Sandahl Bergman).



Linnea Quigley in Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers - The Virgin Dance of the Double Chainsaws, this movie is TERRIBLE! hehe



Morgan Fairchild in Phantom of the Mall - This terrible movie is elevated by the presence of the fabulous Morgan, the patron saint of this blog!

Crappy movie Saturday

Sleeping Beauty (1987)

Part of Cannon Film's movie tales series, Sleeping Beauty is a faithful adaptation of the classic fairy tale. Morgan Fairchild stars as a queen who longs for a child of her own (as she tells us in a badly dubbed song - since when do Hollywood actresses have Eastern European singing voices?). An elf (Kenny Baker - R2D2!!!) recognises the queen's longing and makes a special potion to help her and soon after she is with child, and decides to invite all of the 9 fairies in the land to a celebration. Unfortunately fairies can only eat from gold plates, and they only have 8 of them. This angers the evil Red Fairy (Sylvia Miles) so much that she curses the child, on her 16th birthday she will die when she pricks her finger on a spindle! Fortunately the White Fairy (Jane Wiedlin from the Go-Go's) sings a sweet little song and casts a spell so that Rosebud will only sleep, not die, luckily the spell can be broken if a true prince finds her and kisses her. Still fearful the King and Queen ban all the spindle's in the land.

This movie is pretty terrible, the songs are just hideous, Spin Spindle Spin being the worst of the lot. The best bits are with the Red Fairy ,who is just terrifying, from her scary cackle, to her blood red dress and bellowing voice. Her old lady mask in the scene where she tricks Rosebud should have been enough to warrant this an 18rating - it was absolutely horrific. Tahnee Welch on the other hand is just gorgeous and does a good job. Like most Cannon movies this is so cheap and cuts every corner imaginable, and that really lets it down, especially the script! Some of the visuals are quite impressive though. It was made in Israel.



Subspecies (1991)



Much like Sleeping Beauty this one got better as it went along. As the ads on my favourite movie channel on cable, Zone Horror proudly boast, this is part of their season of Full Moon Vampire Movies that they are premiering throughout June. This is the kind of crap that I love about this channel, they like this junk as much as I do! Subspecies is about two vampire brothers, one good and one very bad! The opening scene was just dire, perhaps it was because this scene was the most 'special' effects intensive - lets just say stop motion animation should have been confined to the 80's, and bad stop motion should always remain on the cutting room floor! This stuff is the pits!

For a movie on a very tight budget this one is quite effective, it's pretty gory and there is a lot for fans of vampire movies to enjoy. Some things I particularly enjoyed were the realistic gore effects, and of course any mention of shooting rosary's at vampires ticks all the boxes for me. That, and of course the damsel in distress who gets chained up just so happens to have her shirt ripped in perfect symmetry - conveniently exposing both nipples! Classy stuff! I'll be sticking with this series to see where it goes, Subspecies is by no means a good movie, but I enjoyed it. Romania always provides a spooky location too.

The very bad trailer, who thought those shitty creatures would sell this to anyone - they're hardly even in it!



The Wiz (1978)



Diana Ross as Dorothy, Michael Jackson as the Scarecrow, it can only be a Motown movie!!! Adapted from the Broadway musical of the same name, this movie was heavily criticised upon it's release and I can see why. Leaving the fact that this is an all African-American cast, Diana Ross is very plain as Dorothy and her acting is patchy, as is her singing. But as soon as Michael comes along things really pick up, they really worked well together (and continued to do so into the 80's with hits like Muscles and Eaten Alive). I think The Wiz is a fun and inventive adaptation of the Wizard of Oz, it's also pretty freaky! I would not show this to a child - the makeup effects are garish and disturbing and it's seriously trippy. In one scene our heroes are chased around a subway by ferocious storage lockers, trash cans with teeth , and goodness knows what else! Mabel King as the monstrous Evileene was great too.

I read a review that said essential the probelm is that it was too scary for kids and too silly for (most) adults, and I think that sums it up perfectly. However, you can't deny the amazing special effects and the impressive sets make The Wiz a visual feast. The use of the Manhattan landscape is brilliant too. Diana and Michael's song Ease On Down The Road is another highlight. Richard Pryor is also pretty good. The Wiz is coming back to Broadway later in the year.

The Seduction, 1982

Morgan Fairchild, star of stage and screen, former nominee for head of the Screen Actors Guild of America, and queen of Direct to Video, stars in The Seduction. Morgan plays Jamie Douglas, the most famous news anchorwoman, probably ever! Jamie has everything a young woman in the 80's could possibly want: the waviest hair; the biggest shoulderpads; a stunning home with a jacuzzi positioned just so everyone can see her bathe nude, she has it all! That is until her life changes forever when a crazed stalker named Derek (Andrew Stevens) forces his way into her life.

Derek follows Jamie everywhere and not even her boyfriend can keep her safe. He shows up at work, at her home, at the mall, everywhere. The police won't help her, and Derek has started killing people. Jamie has to take the law into her own hands to protect herself and use everything she can including her body to stop deranged Derek.

The Seduction plays more like a sleazy 90's made for TV thriller, than an 80's motion picture. It actually had a theatrical release, but it was obviously made mainly with the booming video market in mind. It is pure trash from start to finish. It even opens with out heroine relaxing in her jacuzzi, topless of course!

It's the kind of movie you'd expect be be on TV very late at night. There's not much suspense to be honest and this is far from a good, or even well made movie. The pacing, especially toward the end is atrocious. It's the multi-Razzie nominated performance of Morgan Fairchild that really makes this one stand out on the top shelf. Morgan's star turn in this movie will make your evening.

The worst offender in the bad acting stakes is fellow Razzie nominee Colleen Camp, whose horrendous portrayal of Jamie's streetwise best friend, Robin, will make even the most hardened b-movie fan wince. One of her finest lines:

"You know honey, this romeo of yours is a heart run completely amok. If you got into bed with him he'd probably screw you to death!"

Just wait until Morgan has to use her charms to protect herself, its just b-movie heaven. The Anchor Bay DVD release is amazing, the quality is brilliant, as always. The only downside is that Morgan herself doesn't appear in any of the interviews or on the commentary.

View the trailer

Paper Dolls, 1984 -- TV Series

STARRING: Lloyd Bridges (Grant Harper)

Popular actor perhaps best known for his role in the Airplane movies, he died in 1998 aged 85 having been in the business for over 45 years.

Mimi Rogers (Blair Harper-Fenton)

A budding star in the 80’s; she was married to Tom Cruise, her last big role was in the Lost In Space movie.

Nancy Olson (Marjorie Harper)

Dack Rambo (Wesley Harper)

He played Jack Ewing in Dallas after starring in Paper Dolls. He 1991 he found out he had contracted HIV and became an activist. He died in 1994.

Richard Beymer (David Fenton)

Award winning actor best known for starring in West Side Story.

Brenda Vaccarro (Julia Blake)

Oscar nominee Vaccarro is perhaps best known for her roles in Supergirl and Midnight Cowboy.

Nicolette Sheridan (Taryn Blake)

After Paper Dolls Nicolette scored a long running role in Knotts Landing, she then went on to star in Desparate Housewives.

Jennifer Warren (Dinah Caswell)

Terry Farrell (Laurie Caswell)

In the 90’s she landed the role of Jadzia Dax on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. She can also be seen in Hellraiser 3.

John Bennett Perry (Michael Caswell)

Played the local Sheriff on Falcon Crest after Paper Dolls, his son is Mathew Perry of Friends fame.

Anne Schedeen (Sara Frank)

She was in the ALF TV series; you know the one - with that alien puppet thing.

Lauren Hutton (Collette Ferrier)

Top model turned actress, best known for her role in American Gigolo with Richard Gere. Hutton has her own range of cosmetics these days – the Lauren Hutton Face Disc which she sells on infomercials.

Jonathan Frakes (Sandy)

Frakes went on to star in Falcon Crest and Star Trek: The Next Generation. He later directed Star Trek movies and the ill fated Thunderbirds movie.

John Waite (as himself)

British born 80’s rock star, best known for his hit Missing You.

And Morgan Fairchild (as Racine)

Icon!

CAST: As you can see Paper Dolls had a huge case of characters in its very short 16 episode run. Apart from Collette Ferrier and John Waite, they were all in every episode. There are clear leads though; Grant Harper is the head of Harper Cosmetics Worldwide and his family all work for him. Racine is the head of the Racine Modelling Agency with whom Blair and youngsters Taryn and Laurie are signed with! David Fenton owns Tempest Sportswear who along with Haper Worldwide use Racine’s models! Yes, the world of Paper Dolls is decidedly incestuous and it’s always fabulous. Sandy is Racine’s PA, and John Waite appears as a love interest for Taryn, much to the dismay of her controlling mother, the dreaded Julia!

PLOTLINES: Taryn Blake, the world’s hottest young supermodel becomes sullied by her recent drug abuse. A fresh faced young star named Laurie Caswell becomes the latest recruit to the prestigious Racine Modelling Agency.

Tempest Sportswear runs into financial trouble, to proud to turn to his father in law, owner David Fenton looks to a gangster to fund the struggling new collection.

Tarn Blake, fresh from rehab takes up with rock superstar John Waite!

Blair Harper-Fenton discovers she has a rare blood condition that means that her newly conceived child may be born retarded. Can she bear to abort David and her first child together or will she risk all to have the child she has long dreamed of.

Blair is kidnapped by the gangsters who gave David the loan to get Tempest Sportswear off the ground.

Grant Harper wants to expand Harper Worldwide by taking over their European competitor Ferrier Cosmetics, but first he needs to track down its elusive owner Collette

An old flame from her past threatens a tell-all movie about Racine.

Laurie attracts a stalker.

Marjorie and Grant’s marriage comes under strain and she leaves for a holiday alone. Wesley attempts to get control of her stock in Harper Worldwide.

Marjorie is tragically killed in a plane crash meanwhile Tempest Sportswear is hitting the catwalk for the very first time. What will the critics make of David’s hard work?

THOUGHTS: This was the most expensive of all prime time soap operas at the time, costing well over a million dollars per episode in 1984. The spiralling cost of the all star cast, lavish locations, and Top 40 soundtrack couldn’t be justified by the average ratings and the show was pulled mid-season.

Paper Dolls is all style over substance and that is what’s so great about it. From the over the top modelling sequences, usually involving either Nicollette Sheridan or Terry Farrell draped over an extremely expensive car, wearing horrendous OTT 80’s fashions, accompanied by hits by Sheena Easton or John Waite. However, I think it’s the into credits that perhaps make for the highlight of the show! They’re amazing and light years ahead of the likes of Dynasty or Falcon Crest had to offer at the time.

Morgan Fairchild is simply unbeatable as the Queen Bitch of Paper Dolls, Racine! Her general bitchiness, sarcastic put downs and sneering attitude never drop and her outfits are always the height of 80’s fashion. Morgan has said recently that it is still her favourite role ever after 25 years in the business. The show remains a testament to everything that was great about the 80’s and the lavish prime time soaps that it spawned.

TRIVIA: Morgan Fairchild went on to play the on screen mother of her Paper Dolls co-star John Bennett-Perry’s real life son Mathew Perry on Friends.

TRIVIA: Many of the actors went on to star in Falcon Crest. Only months after the demise of Paper Dolls Jonathan Frakes had a lengthy recurring role as Damian Ross, who was hell bent on avenging his fathers death. The following season Morgan Fairchild joined the cast as schizophrenic lawyer Jordan Roberts. John Bennett Perry also joined the cast that season as Sheriff Gilmore.

TRIVIA: Many of the hit songs featured in the show were re-recorded to avoid paying artist royalties.

TRIVIA: The very first pilot for Paper Dolls, a TV movie made in 1982, starred Joan Collins as the head of the modelling agency!

VIDEO: Watch the fabulous opening credits!

CAN I BUY IT? Not legally.

Dead Man's Island, 1996

STARRING: Barbara Eden (Henrie O)

Eden is of course the ever popular star of the I Dream Of Jeanie TV series.

William Shatner (Chase Prescott)

It's Captain Kirk, enough said. I heard Shatner speak once when I was in Las Vegas. He is currently starring in the top rated series Boston Legal.

Morgan Fairchild (Valerie St. Vincent)

In addition to her roles in the likes of Flamingo Road and Falcon Crest, Morgan has enjoyed many guest appearances in recent years including playing Chandler’s mother on Friends and Andrea Thorpe, Doctor Dick’s second wife, on Cybil.

Roddy McDowall (Trevor Dunnaway)

McDowall starred in all 5 of the original Planet Of The Apes Movies and the short-lived TV series. He passed away in 1998.

Traci Lords (Miranda Prescott)

Lords biggest TV role to date was playing Jill on the hit TV series Profiler during its second season. Her acting career took off in 1988 after starring in a remake of the 50's b-movie 'Not Of This Earth'.

With David Faustino (yes, Bud Bundy) and Christopher Atkins.

PLOT: Henrie O. (Eden) is a journalist who is called to a mysterious island by her old flame, Chase (Shatner). Someone is trying to kill him and he suspects it could be any one of his friends and family who are currently on the island with him. He wants Henrie O. to use her investigative skills find out who it is before it’s too late.

No sex, very mild violence, no language, TV-PG/PG.

THOUGHTS: This was a pilot for a potential series along the lines of Murder, She Wrote. In fact it’s from the same writer and producer. The all-star cast do a good job and the story is quite engaging and exciting, though I could do without the scenes of Shatner in his bathing suit! Somehow I just can’t see him and Traci Lords as a married couple either. I think perhaps she should've swapped characters with Morgan Fairchild, but who needs realism! It's a TV movie!

It plays much like an episode of the aforementioned murder mystery series which kind of begs the question, what’s the point? Eden is certainly no Angela Lansbury. The bad Southern accents she and Lords put on could've used a little more practice too. Although it's likable enough I’m not surprised the show didn’t get past this stage.

CAN I BUY IT? Used on ex-rental VHS in the UK.

Test Tube Teens From The Year 2000, 1994

aka Virgin Hunters

STARRING: Morgan Fairchild (Camella Swales)

Morgan has become a household favourite since landing her first TV role on Search for Tomorrow in 1973, after only 6 weeks in Hollywood . She made her motion picture debut in The Seduction in 1982 and according to many critics has never made a decent movie in her life, all lies!

Also starring Brian Bremner, Christopher Wolf, & Ian Abercrombie as the Professor.

PLOT: Two horny teenage boys go back in time to stop the evil Camella Swales, a spinster from the 20^th Century from banning all forms of sex in the future! They disguise themselves as female students in her all girls’ boarding school for the sake of all mankind!

Lots of gratuitous sex scenes, but topless stuff only. Virtually no bad language or violence, 18/R.

THOUGHTS: This pretty decent low budget comedy mixes in soft core sex scenes to make this movie a curious find, to say the least. If anything the sex scenes let the movie down, they’re pretty boring to be honest, hardly exciting to me anyway. In fact I think this film is rated a bit high, I wouldn’t watch it with Granny or anything, but the content is pretty tame. Let’s just say its more American Pie crossed with an erotic thriller, than Star Trek meets hardcore porn. Morgan Fairchild as a repressed spinster is a stroke of casting genius though. I think it could be a future cult classic if it ever sees a DVD release. The movie doesn’t outstay its welcome; it’s cheap, cheerful, and very short at 77mins. I recommend it!

CAN I BUY IT? Used on VHS, released in the UK as Virgin Hunters - it looks like a porn.

I've been robbing pictures again, this time from Cold Fusion Video Reviews - take a look at their review of Test Tube Teens From The Year 2000

Based On An Untrue Story, 1993

CREW: Jim Drake (Director)

The director of Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, that might give you an idea of the tone of this made for TV movie.

STARRING: Morgan Fairchild (Satin Chow)

Ever popular star of stage and screen! Perhaps most famous for her roles on the hit TV series' Flamingo Road and Falcon Crest. Most recently Morgan starred alongside Bo Derek on the TV series Fashion House, so far the biggest hit from new US network My Network TV.

Dyan Cannon (Varda Gray)

Academy Award nominated actress and director. Most recently she has regularly appeared in TV series' such as Ally McBeal and the short lived Three Sisters.

Ricki Lake (Velour)

Most famous for her Emmy winning daytime talk show which ran from 1993-2002.

Victoria Jackson (Courdroy)

Jackson appeared on over 100 episodes of Saturday Night Live from 1985-1992.

Also starring Michael St. Gerrard and Dan Hedaya.

PLOT:

Satin Chow (Fairchild) is about to unveil her brand new perfume 'Puppy'. While attending the 'first whiff' she faints and is diagnosed with a rare condition called 'anosemia'. She needs an old factory nerve transplant which can only come from a blood relative. Unfortunately it transpires that her only living relatives, Mr & Mrs Chow, are not really her parents at all. She's adopted!!!

With the clock ticking she must find her long lost sisters and undergo the transplant before its too late.

No sex, no nudity, no violence, no bad language. 15/PG-13

THOUGHTS: A brilliant made TV screwball comedy that parodies the formulaic disease of the week movies that plague US television. Fairchild is excellent as always. If you enjoy movies that are incredibly silly and melodramatic you'll love this. Watch out for Ricki Lake'sterrible performance as Fairchild's incarcerated sister Velour, Grrrr!

TRIVIA: Ricki Lake & Michael St. Gerrard both appeared in John Waters' Hairspray in 1988 as loved-up teens battling social injustice in 1960's Baltimore.

VIDEO: Satin visits her business partner, Varda Gray -- watch it here.

VIDEO: Disater strikes at the all important 'first whiff' -- watch it here.

VIDEO: Satin is confronted with the awful truth, she may never smell again -- watch it here.

VIDEO: Satin meets Velour in the state pen. -- watch it here.

CAN I BUY IT? It was released direct to video in the UK on Fox Home Video, it was also released on VHS in the US.