U2 are the opening act, why oh why is Bono making stupid faces and hoping up and down while wearing revolting looking black eyeshadow?
Kylie is on!
That was pretty fun, Kylie spoofed her Can't Get You Out Of My Head video, she looks gorgeous! So classy.
BEST BRITISH FEMALE - Duffy (surprise surprise), I don't mind her too much, fellow nominee Estelle looks pissed off! Hehe.
Please let the comedy 'interludes' end, enough!
INT'L FEMALE - Beyonce, surely? Who the bloody hell is Santogold? I suppose having a hit doesn't matter. Kate Perry won, I like Hot and Cold, love her top, but her revolting spandex trousers are vile!
I've never seen Kylie's co-presenter before, maybe he is some kind of 'cutting edge' comedian or something, but he needs to stop shouting.
Girls Aloud have just appeared with some pink fans - to hide their modesty - as if they had any in the first place! Some of them are more atrocious than others, The Promise I Made is crappy too, the blonde one needs to stop screeching now, someone put her out of her misery. Dismal!
Jesus Christ, is there any show which Fearne Cotton doesn't mustle her way into, how is she not at the front of the nearest dole queue I do not know, if there was a ever a recession busting measure I'd get behind it would be banning her from any TV show ever again. Now they want us to call into some dodgy phone-in to chose best British single, will they never learn!
The set is so cheap! Looks like a cross between a 1970's Royal Variety show and the Magic Roundabout...
Alex James (used to be in Blur) presents the BEST BRITISH BREAKTHOUGH ACT - As long as the bloody Ting Tings don't win, they are truly the worst new act of last year. Duffy wins.
Coldplay are on... I wonder if the confetti being dropped on the audience was supposed to be at a climax of some kind, I must've missed it... Is it me or are they miming? As dull as we've come to expect, next...
Jamie Cullum. Jamie Oliver and Fearne Cotton on my screen at the same time, why oh why!
So far this is rubbish, it's no wonder UK album sales nosedived last year - at least it's not just me that's turned off to this pap and the people who present it to us.
Kylie's outfit has changed, I like her hair, reminds me of her Hand On Your Heart era look. Natalie Imbruglia is on presenting INT'L GROUP - What is up with her face, those cheek implants have got to go! I hope The Killers win. They didn't, I don't know who the Kings of Leon are, but they don't have synths and dance mixes I'll bet! Pish.
BEST BRITISH MALE SOLO - Paul Weller, who couldn't be arsed to turn up, he's apparently down the pub with Adele, who looks like she lost weight. Doesn't she look like Alison Moyet?
Duffy sings, Kylie is excited as usual... Duffy sings like she has a cold. I should imagine they'll have a special edition of her album in the supermarkets up and down the UK come Monday, right next to the cabbage and pre-packed salad.
Christ! Natalie Imbruglia looks like a rough Morticia Addams.
I've just realised that there are absolutely no dance acts either on stage or nominated, so far and we're an hour though...
BEST INT'L ALBUM - Kings of Leon
Take That perform their dire single 'Greatest Day', sounds like a third rate Coldplay song to me, I think they borrowed the green strobe lights from them too. This is mimed I swear! Mercifully short performance thank god! LAME.
Should I know who Nick Frost is? BEST LIVE BRITISH ACT - Thank god I never went to any of these shows. Iron Maiden won and they couldn't give a shit about this either. Grey power!
The Hoff! Now this is classy... *cue dodgy reference to Kit* - BEST BRITISH GROUP - Please not Girls Aloud... Elbow won.
Kings of Leon perform...
The Hoff is cracking onto Fearne, I think he's pissed again...
Kylie's glistening sliver dress is fab!
CRITICS CHOICE - Florence and the Act? She sings great, but looks like a hot mess!
Gok Wan presents BEST INT'L MALE - Who is Seasick Steve? Anyway if anyone cares Kayne West won, and he didn't show up either.
Ting Tings and Estelle perform - god I hate this song! She CANNOT SING either! I love it! Here comes Estelle - this mash up of American Boy and Shut Up And Let Me Go is shite! Now they're singing That's Not My Name - which was rubbish before, and now they're murdering it if that's even possible. Only in music can you be this bad at your day job and be lorded up like the next big like these two have been. Talentless.
Kylie's got a green dress on now.
BEST BRITISH SINGLE - As voted for via the overpriced phone line, who in their right mind would vote for any of these lot. Girls Aloud won with The Promise. As long as they don't sing again. Christ their common, I see Cheryl 'Convicted Racist Thug' Tweedy is still with them. No coincidence that she's an employee of ITV of course...
They've wheeled out Tom Jones now, at least he's stopped dying is hair that nasty old man tar colour. MASTERCARD BRITISH ALBUM OF THE YEAR - Didn't buy any of them so I don't really care... Duffy won, again. She so didn't expect to win, she just happened to bring three different dresses with her., as you do...
Kylie in red!
Bradon Flowers! Loves the Pet Shop Boys! Who win OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTION TO MUSIC. This is fab, a megamix feat Lady Gaga bellowing out Dusty's part of What Have I Done To Deserve This while dancing the robot, worth the 1hr 50mins of crap in itself.
[EDIT - Not quite, we get the premiere of Duffy's new advert to whore Diet Coke, which is amongst the WORST thing I have ever witnessed - she sounds like a demented fraggle, who else wanted that car to mow her down?!]